The Elusive Perfect Goodbye — Death, Dying, and What We Control

Dangerous Dinner

Hosted by Prof Barbara van Ernst AM & Deborah Remfry

In Greek mythology, the lovers Hero and Leander were granted a single wish: to die at exactly the same time, so neither would have to endure life without the other. Their story captures a timeless human yearning - to control the moment of death, to avoid unbearable loss, and to find dignity in the face of mortality.

Since 2019, Victoria’s voluntary assisted dying laws have given terminally ill adults the right to end their lives on their own terms - a move celebrated by many as compassionate and overdue, and the laws seem to have found an accepted place in our collective consciousness. But even with laws in place, real questions remain. For some, these laws have delivered relief, dignity, and a sense of control. For others, the process has felt bureaucratic, restrictive, or even out of reach, leaving families frustrated or heartbroken.

Drawing lines about what's in, what's out, and the processes to follow inevitably prompts the next level of questions. What happens when someone is suffering but doesn’t qualify? When the individual is incapacitated or their wishes are unclear, what then? What about when families disagree? How do we balance protecting the vulnerable with respecting autonomy? Is it ever right to help someone die if they can’t clearly ask for it themselves? And what does a “good death” truly mean in practice?

At this Dangerous Dinner, we’ll move beyond policy into the deeply personal. We invite you to share your own stories - moments of clarity, conflict, relief, or regret. How have these laws shaped your experience, or the experience of someone you love? Where have you seen compassion, and where have you seen the system fail?

Bring your toughest questions, your honest reflections, and your willingness to explore the greyest of grey areas. This is a conversation about death, but also about how we choose to live and care for each other at the end, in pursuit of the elusive perfect goodbye.

Dangerous Dinners give you the opportunity to fearlessly discuss contemporary, challenging and interesting ideas, themes and points of view.

In a relaxed, informal dining environment, we draw on the diverse expertise of our members, sharing their ideas and experiences on complex or controversial topics; to learn from others, challenge assumptions, spark new ideas or point the way for potential actions.

Dangerous because the topics may be difficult to discuss, ask the silent questions, challenge thinking, unpack pressing issues, test emerging trends. Safe because we respect others’ views, it is polite not offensive, under Chatham House rule and listening with the intent to learn.

On a regular basis, you will be able to join your fellow Melbourne Forum members for a robust discussion on a range of themes in dynamic company and over a light meal. The focus is on ‘food for thought’ with shared conversations and shared platters as part of the collegiality.